Routines: Friend of Foe?
The old adage: "Fail to plan, plan to fail" always terrified me when it came to routines...
Your Path to Self-Care, Not Self-Control—Embrace Flexibility, Grace, and Growth
When you hear the word routine, what’s your first reaction? For some, routines feel like a comforting structure, a friendly anchor in a chaotic world.
But for others—especially recovering people pleasers—they can feel rigid, suffocating, and guilt-inducing. If you've spent a lifetime prioritizing others' needs, building routines that truly serve you might seem foreign, even a little intimidating. That was certainly the case for me, and it took some stumbling around to figure out just how to make it work.
So, let’s dive into whether routines are a friend or a foe, and explore how you can develop routines that nurture you, not stifle you.
The Mindset Shift: Routine as Self-Care, Not Self-Control
Your routine is what you make it!
Many of us were raised to see routines as rigid systems we either follow perfectly or fail miserably at. This black-and-white thinking can lead to shame spirals—especially if you’re already prone to putting pressure on yourself to get things “just right.”
This was one of the insights that I discovered as I was starting to rebuild my own routines after moving back to Canada. I felt some kind of pressure to have it all figured out, and that a ROUTINE was the answer to all my problems. "If I can just figure out the perfect routine, then everything will fall into place."
That's a lot of pressure to put on a routine. Poor thing doesn't stand a chance!
So I want to take this opportunity to rebrand what a routine is. Routines aren’t about strict discipline or controlling yourself. (I know that's what I used to think.)
They’re tools for supporting yourself. They’re meant to help you create a sense of stability, balance, and even joy in your day-to-day life. When approached with the right mindset, routines can become acts of self-love. They're there to gently guide you toward the life you want to live. Like a template to get done what YOU want to get done. So a GOOD routine is one that is a reflection of your goals and mindset.
AH-HA! Mindset! A key ingredient in developing any routine or system. It will only work if its working FOR YOU. It's there to support you, to reflect your goals back to you, and help you stay in tune with what's important to you. We're not here to suffer people (even though suffering is part of the deal of being a human). But there's nothing that says that routines have to be punishing. So let's get that straight right away.
Think of routines as the grooves that help your life flow more smoothly, not the rails that keep you locked in place. They’re flexible, customizable, and can be as simple or elaborate as you need them to be. (That's right. YOU'RE in charge here. Not the routine. You want a friendly relationship with your routine - not an adversarial one!)
Story Time: When Routines Became a Friend, Not a Foe
Let me share a quick story. Once upon a time, I was recovering from the mega grief that came with the death of my mother and the end of my marriage (at the same time). I was a full blown people pleaser with a highly compliant personality, who always felt overwhelmed. I thought that routines would offer me some security and comfort. So I tried to put in place routines. Like morning workouts, meal planning, or daily journaling. But each time I missed a day or didn’t do it perfectly, I'd spiral into self-criticism. In my mind, routines became the enemy—a reminder of all the ways I wasn’t measuring up. These routines were something that I had to conquer. A mountain that I had to climb. But I was so depleted that it was like trying to climb the mountain in flip flops with a 100lb back pack.
Then one day, I decided to approach routines differently. I saw that I had fallen into the trap of putting all of the things I like to do for myself at the end of the day. The part of the day where I had the least energy, lost all momentum, and was the least inspired. So I decided to reorganize my life and actualy START my day with things that filled my cup the most. Not the things I thought I "SHOULD" be doing. And instead of focusing on consistency as a measure of success, I focused on how each routine felt and what it did for my overall well-being. If I missed a day, I gave myself grace and simply picked up where she left off. I made a pact with myself that I can miss a day, but never two in a row. Over time, I found that my routines became her allies. Gentle guides that offered structure when I needed it but allowed flexibility when life got messy.
My routines evolved from rigid schedules to uplifting rituals, helping me feel grounded and cared for without the pressure to be perfect. Because here's a fun fact: there's no routine police. No one is coming to give you a gold star for doing it, or throw you in jail because you missed a day. Turns out, no body cares but you. And that's the best part! YOU get to decide what your routine looks like, and what your goals are.
That's often the stumbling block when it comes to routines.
We absorb so much information and we move so fast through life that we often forget to stop and ask ourselves "WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?"
So instead we build our routines around what we think we should be doing and what other people do that appears to be successful. Notice that I say 'appears' because we rarely get the whole story when being influenced by other people.
The first ritual I came up with on my own once I left the prison of "should" was such a game changer, I want to share it with you. Not because I think it's perfect for you (which it may be) but because it came as a result of really tuning into myself and figuring out what it was that I really needed. And took it from there. Here was my morning routine:
Wake up whenever (let the body take the rest it needs)
No phone until I've washed my face, brushed my teeth and stared lovingly in the mirror for 5-10 minutes.
Move my body - sometimes this is a dance party, other times its pilates, and on a nice day I may go for a walk.
Coffee, Crossword, Sudoku and Wordle (get the brain going).
A good dance party always assured my mojo was in check!
NOTHING got done until I did those things. This was a product of tuning into myself, addressing what my needs were, and forgetting the idea of what I "should" be doing. It set me on a rocket-ship of healing, and self-care.
Because thinking back, my initial approach was all wrong. Let's have a look at why that might be:
Dismantling the Myths About Routines
There are a few common myths about routines that deserve a closer look:
1. Myth: Routines are all-or-nothing.
Reality: Routines can be fluid and adaptable. Life happens, and sometimes you won’t stick to your routine perfectly—that’s okay. Let me say that louder: THAT'S OKAY!!!
What matters is how the routine supports you over time, not whether you check every box every day.
2. Myth: You need to follow the “best” routine.
Reality: The “best” routine is the one that works for you. Some people thrive on highly structured plans; others prefer loose, flexible guidelines. Experiment with different approaches and see what resonates with your energy, lifestyle, and personality. What's important is that it meets your needs (you have to first know what they are) and supports your goals. Again. These need to be YOUR goals. Not what you THINK you should be working on.
3. Myth: Missing a day is failure.
Reality: Progress isn’t linear, and missing a day doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It’s an opportunity to check in with yourself. Did you need rest? Was the routine too demanding? Give yourself the grace to adjust as needed.
This was a huge take away for me when I was establishing routines. "Getting things done" was more about tuning into myself, and really developing a relationship with my body that my mind could dial into, then take action that supported my ACTUAL needs. Not just ticking the boxes to say I got something done. If it's not aligned with what I needed, then its not as impactful as an exercise other than to flex the discipline.
Finding What Works for You: Tips for Developing Supportive Routines
1. Start Small and Build Gradually
If routines feel daunting, start with one tiny habit that feels manageable. Maybe it’s five minutes of morning stretching, a quick gratitude list before bed, or setting aside ten minutes for quiet reflection. As you grow comfortable, you can build on your routine naturally. The secret sauce is to get some quick wins so that you're inspired and motivated to keep building and keep going.
2. Align Your Routines with Your Values
Ask yourself what really matters to you. Not the guru on Instagram, or the routine of the celebrity with all the money and time freedom and personal assistants in the world. What matters to YOU is what's important here. If nurturing your creativity, improving your health, or creating more inner-peace is important, design routines that align with these values. When routines reflect your deeper goals, they’ll feel more meaningful and less like chores.
3. Track How You Feel, Not Just What You Do
Instead of focusing solely on what you did or didn’t do, check in with how the routine makes you feel. Do you feel more balanced, energized, or at peace? If something in your routine feels draining, that’s a sign it might need tweaking.
4. Be Kind to Yourself—Grace is Key
Remember, routines are here to serve you, not the other way around. If you fall off track, be gentle with yourself. The most important part of sticking to routines is returning to them with compassion, not with criticism. This is where you need to remember how to be new and not good at something. As we age, we fall into habits. Those things turn into things we can do with our eyes closed. As we venture into something new, there can be some growing pains! So the awareness of this can keep you grounded when something seems hard. Just remember that it wont be hard forever. Keep going! Mindset is a big factor in your routine's success! So this is as much about developing your mindset and self-talk as it is about activating the routine that is designed to serve you.
5. Allow Room for Flexibility and Fun
Routines don’t have to be rigid. Incorporate moments of joy, spontaneity, and rest into your routine. Yup! It's allowed! Some days you might follow the plan to a T; other days, you might let intuition guide you. Both approaches are valid. And no one is going to stop you! You do you!
Final Thoughts: Friend, Not Foe
In the end, routines aren’t the enemy—they’re powerful allies when approached with the right mindset. If you’re someone who’s spent years feeling controlled by external demands, learning to craft routines that put you at the center can be transformative. It’s a way to reclaim your time, energy, and well-being.
So, as you explore creating or refining your routines, remember that they’re tools for nurturing the relationship you have with yourself. Approach them with patience, kindness, and flexibility, and you’ll find that routines can become some of your best friends on the path to self-love and growth. You've got this!
XOXO STEPH
